I have been in ministry for over three decades, serving as a pastor, church planter, and licensed professional counselor, depending on the season. Over those decades, I have discovered something: you cannot lead others well if you don’t lead yourself emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Ministry isn’t just about pouring out; it’s about knowing what’s going on inside you, regulating that reality, and inviting God into the mess.
Understanding the Basics of Emotions
Let’s start by clearing something up. Emotions are not flaws to fix. Emotions are messages to discern. Emotions are automatic responses in our bodies, while feelings are how we interpret those responses. Think of it this way: Fear says, “There’s danger.” Anxiety says, “What if there’s danger, and how can I control it?”
Perhaps you think you don’t need emotions, but I hope you will see how emotions can be one of the greatest gifts God gives us. Emotions are not enemies of our faith but invitations from God to pay attention.
Jesus had emotions. He didn’t suppress them to seem stronger. He wept, He celebrated, and He agonized in Gethsemane. If Jesus wasn’t emotionally numb, we shouldn’t be either.
The Cultural Myths That Trip Us Up
You’ve probably heard some of these statements before or maybe you even believe them:
- “Emotions are weakness.”
- “Real men don’t express feelings.”
- “Faith and feelings don’t mix.”
- “Just ignore it and it’ll go away.”
Avoided emotions don’t disappear. Instead, they redirect, resurface, or dominate. They show up in sarcasm, burnout, control, or relational detachment. You think you’ve buried them, but they’ve just gone underground, to be revealed elsewhere.
A Biblical Lens for Emotional Health
We must remember we are made in God’s image, and that includes our emotional capacity. Suppressing emotions isn’t sanctification; it’s just avoidance. Let’s stop pretending numbness is holiness. We are not called to emotional numbness. We are called to emotional truth, to live in reality.
You can’t heal what you won’t bring to God. And you can’t bring it to Him if you pretend it’s not there.
What’s the Cost of Poor Emotional Leadership?
I have sat across from too many ministry leaders who are burned out, bitter, or spiritually dry, and I have been there myself too. I have lost empathy and returned home from work emotionally empty. I have faked smiles while silently screaming inside.
Some of us are trying to lead with full hearts but empty awareness. We jump to fix others before we have even examined our own souls.
And let me tell you: unattended emotional health will become spiritual erosion. Period.
Four Practices to Lead Yourself Emotionally
Here are four practices that have changed the game for me. This is hard-earned wisdom from a guy who used to be over-functioning and emotionally starving.
- Know What’s Inside: Self-Awareness
Ask yourself: What am I feeling, and why?
People often tell me they’re angry. But anger is a surface-level emotion. Beneath that might be hurt, exhaustion, disappointment, or fear. Until we can name it, we can’t manage it. And when you bury emotions, they will resurface—and often in ways that hurt your leadership.
I’ve learned this the hard way. I didn’t usually yell or blow up. My gift? I cut people off completely. I detach. Just be done, but that wasn’t healthy. And over time, it took a toll on me and on others. Now, I’m learning to stay present, to process, and to name it.
- Slow Your Reaction: Be Intentional
Reactivity is impulsive. Responding is intentional. One escalates. The other seeks peace.
Before responding to that parent, volunteer, or email, ask yourself: Am I protecting my ego or promoting peace? Your tone, timing, and posture answer that question long before your words do.
James 1:19 reminds us to be slow to anger. This is not just communication advice; it’s emotional discipleship.
Years ago, someone came to me falling apart, crashing out in their marriage, at work, everywhere. They asked me what to do. The Spirit gave me a word: Be quiet. Stop talking. Stop reacting. Start pausing. And everything started to change.
- Embrace Your Limits: Boundaries and Rhythms
This one is hard for ministry leaders, especially youth leaders who feel you must always be on. Don’t forget that Jesus withdrew to quiet places. He rested.
So why do we think we can push 70–80 hours a week, constantly responding, always being available? Nobody asked you to be Lord. That job is taken.
Guard your emotional energy like you guard your calendar. Create an emotional Sabbath. Some people will drain you. You know exactly who I mean. And if you don’t, you might be the person.
Five years ago, I knew I had to change. I was eating emotionally. I was over-functioning, and I began to spiral. So, I began focusing on my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It’s been slow, but now I sleep eight hours a night. I turn my phone off. I eat better. Why? Because I want to be in this for the long haul.
Last year, I took my first sabbatical ever, three months. It was the best thing I’ve done in ministry. The church didn’t fall apart. People showed up. Why? Because the kingdom doesn’t hinge on me.
- Be Honest with God and Safe People
This is the one I want you to remember: what you don’t confess, you carry. What you carry too long, you become.
You don’t get extra Jesus points for suffering in silence. God can handle your lament. Others can help carry the load. Sometimes we need to process what we have experienced. To grieve our losses. To be honest about how we are actually doing.
And here’s something to remember: God knew you were raggedy when He adopted you. That’s good news. You don’t have to fake it with God. Give your soul the space to be real.
If you’re leading in ministry, you carry more than most people will ever know, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Start with yourself. Rest, be real, and let God lead you toward emotional health while you lead others.
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Adapted from the Youth Leader Coaching Network. Learn more about our Youth Leader Coaching Network and sign up for the next cohort.
Published June 10, 2025
